Lately I must admit life in the past 6 months has been extremely sucky. Better yet I think ive gone borderline insane haha, and all this comes down to me feeling like I need to be more, or that I want more. Make matters worse, the world of love has been a white bitch this fall and winter. Guess it doesn't help either that I was still in contact with my ex...I even had my morales challenged before my eyes.
I believed once in good things happening to good people, believed that if you cared enough for something and fought for it and tried to understand it that eventually it'd work out. In the end I was proved wrong or failed to find evidence of this, everything just seems different, darker, sadder. I admit Im nothing like I was in August, I feel less human, and at times nonexistent. Idk if its depression, I rarely emote but its like nothing seems interesting these days, nothing has come my way anymore. Best part is many people think im something else.
Ive heard it all,"You're probably a player", "you probably get all the ladies", "your athletic", "your a damn good guy", and yet theres proof for only one claim at most there, that being athletic. I wish I was the things everyone made me to be, then i'd feel a champion instead of feeling like some stray dog. I also miss winter, because everything feels to alive and yet grey for me to feel normal. Sometimes Im affraid im dying on the inside and not even knowing it. Hoping I get a wake up call sometime soon. I want things bright again, and this time ill pay the cost in full, even if it means sacrifice heh.